I’ve been pretty silent up until now about
where God fits into all of this. The
truth is that my thoughts have been really scattered. The other truth is that, if I’m really honest,
sharing about God’s role in this is a bit too personal, a bit too intimate. I did say that I would be brutally honest
though. As uncomfortable as this post is
for me to write, it needs to be done. I
need to put it on paper so that it’s real; so that I learn from it and remember
it.
God has been so present in all of this. Even when I’ve tried to ignore His voice (we
all do it), He has been there revealing some painful truths to me. This struggle that I’m going through with
Postpartum Depression has very little to do with my emotional health. It does, however (in my case), have
everything to do with my spiritual health.
This is totally about God getting my attention. And putting a finger on my pride. Exposing it.
Taming it.
Here’s where I bare my soul and confess my sins
and cringe as I’m doing it… A couple of months ago, I said to my husband (and a
close friend) that I wondered why so many women, especially Christian women, struggled
with depression or anxiety and needed anti-depressants to be able to cope. My husband and I were so glad that we didn’t
have to deal with that. What a prideful
and arrogant thing to say. That was
totally the epitome of my pride spoken in one question. Within it, implied statements such as: I am competent. I am strong.
I am healthy. I can do this
alone. In themselves, there is nothing
all that wrong with these statements. In
that context, however, was I not judging?
Was I not putting myself above other women, wives, and mothers? Basically, I was viewing myself with the
ultimate self-sufficiency and arrogance.
No wonder God needed to intervene.
Looking back, that was where it may have
started (or at least started to get much worse). God reached down and put his thumb on
me. And pressed. He was saying, “Here. You wanted to know why so many women struggle
with this and have a need for medication? Experience it.
A cup of anxiety. Live it. A pound of guilt. Feel it.
A dash of rage. Learn from it. A
sprinkle of paranoia.” Have you ever
had that feeling? The knowledge that
this experience you’re going through is 100% about breaking your pride? That’s where I’m at. . .
So how do I move on from here? I journey through it. I roll with the ups and downs. I ask for forgiveness from the Lord, from my
family and from my friends. I write about it. I learn from it.
“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but
painful. Later on, however, it produces
a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by
it.” Hebrews 12:11
I need to allow the Lord to “train” me in
this. This is for my sanctification. This is God’s plan. This is ultimately God revealing His deep and
all-consuming love for me.
“My son,
do not despise the Lord’s discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the
Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.” Proverbs 3:11-12
I will be thankful for this. God loves me so much and has such a great
plan for my life that He will not allow me to continue to live in pride and
arrogance. He will use this experience
in my life to bring hope and healing to others. I’m sure He will also use it to teach me many
other things.
This realization doesn’t lessen the struggle I
am having. I will still have ups and
downs. I’ll still try to get ahead of
myself and then be forced back a few steps (see my other posts). Who knows how long I’ll continue to take
medication. I’m seeing a counselor next
week to talk about things.
It does, however, give a reason for it. God can certainly take this mess I’ve made
and turn it into something fruitful and beautiful. I’ll rest in that. In the anxious times, I’ll remember
that. In the moments of anger, I’ll let
it calm me. When I’m questioning myself
(which I do often), I’ll defer to the Lord.
This is about surrender, humility and dependence on God; admitting that
I’m human and that I need a savior. We
all do. We all need to surrender the
messes we’ve made of our lives and let God transform them.
This post has been about my experience and the
things God is revealing to me through it.
It won’t apply to everyone. In
fact, it probably won’t apply to most of those struggling with PPD. PPD is a very real illness that needs to be
taken seriously. It is a brain chemical
thing, a hormone imbalance that often requires medication. I am also absolutely not saying that God inflicts
PPD on women because of sin or pride or anything else. In my case, however, this is also a spiritual
journey. And since I promised myself
absolute honesty (which itself leads to restoration), it is one that needs to
be shared. Laid out for all to see.
If you are struggling
with PPD and are wondering where God fits into all this in your life or are
wondering about where God is in general and you want to talk to someone about
it, please feel free to email me at katdimoff@gmail.com. I don’t want to engage in debate but I am
absolutely here to support, encourage and share the journey!
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