Buried in Clutter

Lately I have been feeling completely and totally overwhelmed.  I’m overwhelmed with my schedule.  I’m overwhelmed with the to-do lists I have written in my head.  And mostly, I’m overwhelmed with the clutter in my house.  I feel like I’m drowning in clutter – in toys and clothes and shoes and dishes and boxes and books and papers… Like my house is going to cave in on me any second.  One minute I’ll be standing in the midst of the chaos, looking around, utterly hopeless and lost.  Where do I start?!  Then the next minute I am going on a rampage cleaning the closet, or the junk drawer, or that one box that has been sitting in my bedroom forever.  It’s like an obsession overtakes me and I NEED to clean the closet.  I tell myself I’ll feel better when my closet is clean.  And I do.  Until my husband fails to hang up his jacket in the newly organized closet.  Or until my three year old decides that the newly organized closet is the perfect place for her stash of Strawberry Shortcake figurines and plastic bracelets and random lego blocks and broken crayons.  Or until we take out the winter stuff and I have to reorganize the closet all over again with the addition of the new stuff.  OR until I look around and notice MORE clutter and chaos. 

I dropped off two garbage bags full of STUFF to the Salvation Army thrift store the other day.  It felt good.  It felt cleansing.  But then I drove back home.  And walked into my house.  I realized that I wasn’t feeling better.  I wanted to run away.  I fantasized about moving to a new house and leaving EVERYTHING behind.  I had a nagging feeling that the clutter was not really the problem.  STUFF was not really the issue.

My counselor confirmed this (I have been to three counseling sessions now).  As I described my thoughts and feelings, she led me to the realization that maybe the way I feel in my house is really just a representation of the way I feel in my head.  I’m not comfortable in my house at the moment.  I’m not comfortable in my head at the moment.  Did the clutter bother me before I realized I had post-partum depression?  Has anything changed in the house?  No.  And no.  All of a sudden I’m severely irritated and thrown off balance by all the “clutter”. 

I realized that I’ve lost my sense of control and this is my attempt to regain it.  I can’t control my emotions so I’m going to control my environment.  I’m reeling.  I’m grasping for any sense of stability.  You know that feeling you have when you’re in the thick of the flu and the world is spinning and you just need to find ground?  So you swing one leg off the bed and put your foot on the ground?  That’s what I’m doing.  I’m swinging my leg off the crazy roller coaster bed, looking for ground.  So I’m cleaning the closet.  I’m yelling and crying and stomping and throwing and going numb.  But I’m cleaning the closet.

I do need to clean the closet.  But not the one at my front door.  More accurately, I need to allow God to search the hidden things.  To cleanse the doubt and the guilt and the shame and the pride. 

So as I sort the shoes, throw out old batteries, recycle the flyers, organize my recipes, I’ll pray.  I’ll ask God to be my grounding, my sense of stability.  I’ll allow Him to heal me.  Maybe soon I’ll be okay with a messy closet.  Maybe I’ll even crawl in there and play Strawberry Shortcake with my daughter while she tries on my shoes…