Getting Ahead of Myself

The other day was a bit of a roller coaster day.  I was feeling good in the morning because my daughter had actually slept through the night (10 hours! 10pm-8am) and so I actually slept too!  It was such a shock that I got up at around 4:30am to make sure she was still breathing!  (Moms reading this: You’ve done it too!  Admit it!  J)  I haven’t slept longer than a five or six hour stretch in probably six months!!!

Later in the morning I had my follow-up appointment with the doctor.  The appointment was quite short and kind of anti-climactic.  I went into the appointment in good spirits and with hopes of convincing the doctor that I no longer needed the medication.  I figured he’d encourage me to continue with the prescription for a little while longer though.   I thought I would try anyway.  I told him I had started feeling better and more in control the first day of taking the pills and asked him how long it usually took for them to start working.  He said it was usually at least two weeks.  I told him I had weaned my daughter and was blogging about my feelings.  I said that even just having the diagnosis had helped make me more aware of my feelings and had given the ability to control them more easily.  He agreed.  He said I had obviously made enough changes besides taking the pills to help me recover, especially considering the pills really wouldn’t be having much effect yet.  He gave me the go ahead to stop taking the medication and sent me on my way.

I left with mixed emotions.  I should have been relieved.  I should have been happy.  Part of me was.  Most of me wasn’t.  I doubted my decision and the doctor’s nonchalance.  I called my husband to tell him.  I hid my uncertainty but he didn’t hide his.  He felt I should continue the medication but he told me he would support me in whatever I chose to do.   

Later that evening I began to have some anxiety about stopping the medication.  Obviously, it has just been “the placebo effect” that has been working for me until now.  But it has been working for me.  I worried about how I would feel with the knowledge that I was no longer taking anything.  Would it change things?  Thoughts were swirling through my head.

Am I getting ahead of myself?  Am I trying to get “back to normal” too quickly?

Will this cause a setback?

What was the point of weaning if I was only on the medication for two weeks?

Long story short, the next day I called the doctor’s office to make another appointment so I can get another prescription.  I have to take things slow.  I can’t force this.  I have to accept that I won’t be 100% back to normal overnight and I need to give the medication a chance to work.

What a roller coaster.  I’m not used to this “take things slow” kind of approach.  I jump in with both feet.  I land on my feet.  I blaze through.  This time I can’t.  I need to slow down and take it one day at a time.  Ugh.  This will be good for me…