Today was
rough. I’ve been helping out at our
church day camp this week and it has been exhausting. (Before you ask, I
volunteered months ago – before my daughter was born and definitely before I
realized I was suffering from PPD! It has been great, actually. The other volunteers are awesome and it
hasn’t been too stressful – just tiring.)
The kids are having a great time but towards the end of the week they
always get a little crazier and the volunteers are always a little more tired.
It didn’t
help that my baby woke up almost every hour through the night. I think she’s teething so I didn’t sleep
much. At 3am I woke my husband up so he
could give her her bottle and I could sleep a bit. I was feeling dizzy and headachy (is that a
word?!) and I knew I needed some sleep or I would never survive the rest of the
week. My mood and patience levels are,
without a doubt, linked very closely to the amount of sleep I get. I’m sure there’s a direct connection between serotonin
levels and REM sleep. (REM sleep? What’s that?!?!)
When
afternoon finally rolled around and it was time for my 2 year old to take a
nap, she fought it tooth and nail. I
REALLY wanted her to nap so that I could nap as well. I tried bringing her back to her bed multiple
times. She wanted to brush her
teeth. She wanted a story. She wanted juice. She wanted me to stay in her bed. At 2:30pm I finally gave up. I let the girls play downstairs while I tried
to nap in my bed with the baby. Guess
how long that lasted before they were screaming and fighting? Ten minutes.
Needless to say, I didn’t rest much today. And I yelled a lot. Ugh…
I plopped
them in the bath before bed and proceeded to bathe the baby and get her ready
for bed. Five minutes in, they were
fighting again. I wouldn’t say I completely
lost it but the red monster was definitely bubbling under the surface. I went into the bathroom, pulled them both
out of the bath and sent them both to their room. We got pajamas on, I hugged and kissed them
and then I left the room and closed the door while they screamed and
cried.
A friend
from church (who has been through PPD and struggles with depression sometimes) warned me that
there would be bad days even with the diagnosis and medication. I think I needed a reminder like that. I’m the type of person who needs to resolve a
problem or challenge right away and then be done with it. I have to realize, though, that this will be
a journey and that there is no quick fix.
I will have good days and I’ll have bad days (“bad Mommy days” as
another friend put it!). Hopefully the
good days will outnumber the bad days. Hopefully the
calm days will outnumber the chaotic days. Hopefully the kind and gentle words will outnumber the harsh words. Hopefully love and healing will overtake anger and
frustration. Not hopefully… definitely.
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