I think it must be difficult to be the family
member or friend of a person suffering from PPD especially if she isn’t being
treated or hasn’t realized it. Now that
I’m feeling better and am able to begin reflecting back on the last couple of
months, I have been talking to friends and family members more about it. My close friends have said, “We knew
something was going on. You just weren’t
yourself. You were holding onto things
and you were all over the place.” A few
friends did mention Postpartum Depression.
My response was always, “Yeah, maybe.
Or maybe I’m just really exhausted.
Maybe when my baby starts sleeping better, I’ll be okay.” I never denied there was a problem. I just didn’t know what the problem was and
didn’t really know what to do about it. Maybe
no one else really knew how to help me figure things out either.
At one point, I was invited to a PPD support
group. I did attend once. At the time, however, I didn’t think I had the
symptoms of PPD. I just thought I was
exhausted and angry with my husband. I
had no idea that how I was feeling and what I was going through are symptoms of
PPD as well.
I was talking to that friend (who invited me to
the PPD group) about things recently and she was saying that it is sometimes
called Postpartum Mood Disorder rather than Postpartum Depression. I think that is a better description. When I think depression, I think sadness,
crying, no energy etc. I don’t think
mood swings, irritability, anger, anxiety…. I think that is a misconception
that needs to change.
When I finally realized that maybe this REALLY
WAS a postpartum thing, I mentioned it to my husband. I told him I thought I should see a doctor
and that maybe I needed some medication.
He was hesitant.
Understandable. There is
definitely a stigma attached to antidepressants. People don’t like to talk about it. My husband didn’t want me to go on
medication. He was worried about the
side effects and he was worried that I would develop a dependency. Frankly, I was worried about all that too but
I knew I needed to do something and I didn’t know what else to do.
I finally just made the doctor’s appointment
(see my first post “Postpartum Depression Snuck Up on Me”) and called my
husband to tell him. It was then that he
spoke to a mentor. His mentor assured
him that this was best and that he should support me in the decision I felt I
needed to make. After that, my husband
felt better and he has been fully supportive ever since. I’m sure it was hard for him though.
Yesterday I asked him. “Was I really acting
that crazy? Did you ever consider
leaving?” I was starting to feel
embarrassed and worried that people had been thinking I was crazy this whole
time but just weren’t saying anything.
My husband said, “No, never. You
were exhausted and you had a short fuse.
I knew you weren’t feeling like yourself. But never once did I think there was a
serious problem. I was never embarrassed
to be around you. I was never worried. I realize now that I was frustrated and angry
but there was never a time where I wanted to leave or anything like that. Even now, there’s not a night and day
difference because you weren’t that different.
You’re just more yourself. You’re
calmer and more relaxed.” His words made
me feel so much better.
When I told my friends about the appointment, I
think they were relieved as well. I know
that my friends care about me and they weren’t sure what to do or how to
help. I’m sure they prayed. I know they tried to support me. No one ever sat me down and said, “I think
you have PPD and you need to see a doctor to find out.” Even if one of them had have done that, I’m
not sure I would have listened or acted on it.
I may have just brushed it off.
However, I may have listened. I
wasn’t getting the suggestions and subtle hints that people were giving. Maybe someone needed to talk to my husband
about it. I’m not upset about it
though. I think I needed to come to this
realization on my own anyway. I wish I
had have realized sooner. I know my
husband was suffering. My children were
suffering. I was suffering. But that’s why I started this blog. I don’t want others to suffer if I can help
it. They say hindsight is 20/20. That’s definitely true in this case. If my experience can help someone else seek
treatment for PPD, then I’ll continue writing about it and being brutally
honest.
And so I encourage you, if you know someone who
is struggling with symptoms similar to mine (see my other posts as well, like “Anxiety,
with a Side of Panic and Paranoia for Dessert”), to talk to them gently about
it. If you don’t think they’ll listen,
then talk to their spouse or speak to a close friend of theirs and enlist his
or her help. Don’t spread it
around. Don’t talk behind the person’s
back. Do what you can to help and
support. Do some research yourself and
find out what resources you can point them to.
Send them a link to this blog…
If you yourself are feeling “just not yourself”…
if you’re struggling with anxiety, panic, anger, irritability, trouble with
your spouse, even sadness, sleeplessness, lack of energy etc…. talk to someone
about it. Make an appointment with your
doctor. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to
admit you may need help to get through this phase. We all struggle. We’re all human. But we are never alone.
I have a follow-up appointment with the doctor
later this week. I’ll see how it
goes. I’m going to talk to him about
other steps I can take to improve my mental health and hormone balance. I’m sure exercise, vitamins and eating a
little healthier will be on the list. I’ll
take it slow though so I don’t get overwhelmed.
I’ll write about my progress. I’m
hoping I won’t have to continue the medication for too long. But I won’t give it a timeline. I’m not even going to allow myself to feel ashamed
or worried or embarrassed about having to take an antidepressant. Life is too short and my family is too
important. The most important thing is
that I am feeling better and more in control.
My husband is definitely happier and less stressed. My children are more at ease around me. I’m no longer having bouts or anxiety or
moments or rage. If I can feel and act the
same way with alternative methods, then great.
It’ll be an ongoing journey. Stay
tuned.
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