The Switch to Formula - Part 1

Last night was the first night since my daughter was born (over four months ago) that I didn’t nurse her when she woke up in the middle of the night.  It was hard.  And weird. 

Before she went to bed I fed her a bottle of formula and prayed she’d sleep through the night.  Everyone kept telling me that once I switched to formula her tummy would be fuller and she would sleep through the night or a longer stretch at least.  Not my baby!  Nope.  She decided to wake up MORE.  I had to prepare two bottles last night. 

I’m sure her little body is just getting used to the change.  It must have been strange for her to be drinking a bottle when she could probably smell my milk and was used to nursing at night.  It was strange and emotional for me as well.  Here I was stuffing a bottle in my daughter’s mouth when I had two VERY full breasts full of milk to offer her (more on that later!).  It took her awhile to get back to sleep as well.  Sucking on a pacifier for comfort in the middle of the night is just not the same as being nursed back to sleep.

I’m on a very low dose of anti-anxiety medication to help with my PPD (see my first post) and I’m sure it would be okay for me to nurse her at night.  But I don’t want to take the chance.  The effect of the drug on nursing infants has not been well studied according to my doctor and we were already having to supplement with formula anyway.  My daughter was already refusing to nurse during the day.

I had to start supplementing with formula last week.  My daughter had not been gaining weight very well over the past month and, although she was thriving and the pediatrician was not at all concerned, I was stressed out and worried and anxious about it (now I know the PPD was contributing to my stress and anxiety).  The more I got her checked, the less satisfied I was with her weight gain, the more worried I got, the less milk I produced, the less she ate, the less she gained.  I tried to increase my milk supply.  I got a hold of a hospital grade pump so I could pump to increase my supply.  I even went and got a prescription for domperidone which is a medication that can help with lactation.  Even with that, I was getting more and more stressed and frustrated.  My letdown was taking longer and longer and my daughter was getting fussier and fussier at the breast.  Finally, one night at 4am when she couldn’t get any milk and she was screaming, I lost it.  I handed my daughter to my half asleep husband.  I screamed.  I swore.  I cried.  He told me to calm down.  I screamed and cried more.  Then I tried to pump with the hospital grade pump.  I was so stressed that I only managed to get a quarter of an ounce.  Pathetic.  I hated myself.  I hated my body.  I was frustrated that it could not do what God had designed it to do.  I had breastfed my first two daughters exclusively with no issues whatsoever.    This time, though, things were different.

Half an hour later I took a 20 minute drive into the city to a 24 hour drugstore to buy some formula.  I cried all the way there and all the way home.  And at 7am I gave my four month old her first bottle of formula.  If you’ve ever breastfed and then had to supplement or involuntarily had to switch to formula, you’ll know how emotional and difficult it was.  I stared at her as she tentatively drank it, confusion on her little face, and I cried.  I said sorry.  I knew this was a turning point.

By day three of supplementing, my little girl was refusing to breastfeed during the day.  My letdown was taking so long that she just wanted the bottle.  I pumped and then mixed my breast milk with formula.  I still managed to nurse her at night.  Until last night.

Today I’m sitting here with frozen cabbage leaves in my bra.  No joke.  J They’re pretty wilted now, actually.  I’ll have to go downstairs and replace them.  I’m popping Advils like mad and pumping half an ounce here and half an ounce there when I get too uncomfortable.  Even pouring my milk down the sink is emotional.  Last week I was trying to increase my milk supply.  This week I’m doing everything I can to dry it up. 

On the up side of having to switch to formula, I can drink coffee again!  And eat chocolate!  And my husband and I are going on a date tonight.  Alone.  Kidless.  For real kidless.  Not almost kidless like we usually are (we usually bring the baby in case she needs to nurse).  I might even have a good time now that I’m not paranoid that my husband doesn’t love me or want to spend time with me (more about that in another post)!