Perspective: My Marriage Doesn't Suck!

It’s amazing what a bit of perspective does for a marriage.  Now that I have some perspective (the PPD diagnosis itself, medication, and talking about my feelings have all contributed), my marriage doesn’t suck.  I’m not doomed to a loveless and frustrating marriage. 

I know that last statement sounds way extreme but honestly, that’s how I was feeling.  I had been feeling like that for a couple of months.  Every time my husband forgot what I had said, misheard me, checked his phone, left the room I was in, disagreed with me, went out, went to work, etc. etc., I felt abandoned, unloved, frustrated, angry, and worthless.  I now realize how irrational that was and how unfair I was being.

I’m not saying he’s all of a sudden perfect (neither am I!) but man, was I crazy and paranoid!!!  I realize now that I was making him feel guilty for basically anything he did.  Anytime he had to leave me with our three children, be it to go to a baseball game, small group, to do some work on the basement (we’re in the midst of finishing it), or even to go to work, I felt abandoned and alone and I made sure he knew it.

We had a huge argument a couple months ago.  I’ll spare you the details but at the time I felt angry, hurt, and abandoned.  We talked things through, he apologized and I forgave him.  Or so I said.  A week later, the feelings were still there.  A week after that, I was still upset.  A month passed and I just could not let it go.  I was still angry, bitter and hurt and that is not like me.  My husband and I are both firstborn children with strong temperaments.  We can fight it out with the best of them.  But when the argument is over and apologies have been made, that’s the end of it.  We don’t hold onto grudges.  We’ve survived almost nine years of marriage living in different cities and even different countries together.  We’ve been through some very difficult and stressful times and we’ve always supported each other and come out the other end better people and better spouses.  This time, though, I was holding onto a major grudge.  I now realize why.   It was hormones!  

The great thing is that I’m not feeling like that anymore!  Perspective, baby!  (And very likely the medication! J )   I completely overreacted.  And he’s a really awesome husband and father.  He tirelessly helps me around the house even though he has a demanding full-time job of his own.  He’s a wonderful “King Daddy” to our three daughters.  I’m not feeling hurt or resentful anymore.  I’m thankful to be going through this with such an understanding, supportive and godly man.   

I understand now that this has been very stressful on him too.  He ended up speaking with a mentor about the situation and I’m very glad he did.  He will need support as well. I encouraged him to continue seeking it out.  This past weekend has been much better though.  He has been super understanding of me and super supportive.  I'm pretty sure he's feeling better, calmer and happier as well now that he knows why I was acting so crazy AND now that I'm not acting so crazy!  We’re joking and laughing together again.   We’re even joking about the medication!  Him: “You can do this!  And not just because of the medication!”  Me: “Now that I’m on medication, you’re not so bad!”  J 

We also decided that you can NEVER trust your hormones!  In ANY situation!  He works with homeless and at-risk youth in the city and so he sees teenage and unwanted pregnancies all the time.  Teenage boys and girls – don’t trust your hormones!  Pregnant women – don’t trust your hormones!  New moms – don’t trust your hormones!  Weaning moms – don’t trust your hormones!  Menopausal women – don’t trust your hormones!  Just don’t EVER trust your hormones!  They will betray you every time!  

We’ve been laughing about my struggles with weaning too.  (More like he’s been lovingly mocking me!)  Him: “Make sure you keep me abreast of the weaning situation!”  “It sucks that you have to go through this.”  “It’s too bad there’s no quick fix to nurse you back to health.”  “What a load off your chest, now that you’ve decided to wean.”  “Whatever I can do to pump up your self-esteem.”  “It’s good to express your feelings about this.”  “Okay, I’ll stop.  I don’t want to milk the situation.” 

I forgot what a silly and funny guy my husband is!  I’m glad I’m remembering now.  I’m really looking forward to a weekend away with him for our 9^th anniversary in September.