The Visit

I left early for the doctor’s office so that I could try to stay calm and process everything.  My husband was able to stay home a bit later than usual that day so that I didn’t have to bring the girls with me.  I was nervous.  I felt like I was going to admit to a professional that I was going crazy and to ask for medication.  I knew I needed to though.   There was no way I was going to let this get worse.  For the sake of my children, for the sake of my marriage and for the sake of myself and my sanity!  

Sitting in the waiting room, I picked up a parenting magazine.  I randomly flipped to a page and learned that the first week of August is World Breastfeeding Week.  How ironic that I had to start supplementing and would probably have to completely STOP breastfeeding on World Breastfeeding Week. 

First, I saw the nurse so that she could get my information and medical history.  I didn’t realize it, but they had just booked me for an intake appointment.  I would have to wait another week to actually see a doctor.  I broke down.  There was no way I was waiting another week to talk to someone about this.

Next, I spoke with a social worker.  She was great.  She did a questionnaire with me called the Edinburgh Scale to determine whether I do have postpartum depression.  I do.  For sure.  We talked about what that means.  I was relieved to hear that I am most likely suffering from a hormone/chemical imbalance.  It’s not just that I’m weak and can’t handle three children.  She said stress and lack of sleep are two huge contributing factors.  I’ve certainly been stressed and sleep deprived!  The changes in breastfeeding (having to start supplementing last week) could also have contributed in making it much worse over the past week. 

We talked things through (I’m pretty sure I went through a whole box of Kleenex!) and although she assured me she was not worried about my safety or the safety of my children (she said that the fact that I came for help and was aware of and able to articulate the problem was a great start and a good sign.  Plus, despite my anger and anxiety, I have never had thoughts of harming myself or my children – that can be a symptom of PPD), she wanted to see if I could speak to a doctor right away.  She said that medication might be what I need to get me over the hump and back to myself.  Again, I was relieved.

I was able to speak to the doctor immediately.  After some discussion, we agreed that we would try a low dose of anti-anxiety medication (an SSRI which helps to increase the level of serotonin in the brain – the research I have done and am still doing is another post in itself) to see if that can help.  The doctor also strongly encouraged me to speak to a counselor (which I will be doing by the end of the month).  He booked me a follow-up appointment for two weeks later.

I left, prescription in hand, with a flurry of mixed emotions.  Mostly, I was relieved.  I was also hesitant about the medication, nervous about what it meant, sad about having to wean (another post), worried about whether it would even work, and frustrated about the whole situation.  Only time would tell.  I was to start the medication the next morning and stop nursing completely…