Day One

Today was day one.  [I actually wrote this last Friday, the day after seeing the doctor.]  Day one of getting back to myself.  Day one of giving up breastfeeding cold turkey (which is a post in itself).  Day one of taking anti-anxiety medication to manage this new PPD diagnosis.  The pills are tiny.  Who knew such a tiny object could be laden with so much emotion.  Hesitation.  Doubt.  Frustration.  Guilt.  Shame.  Confusion.  Resignation.  HOPE. 

I took half a pill this morning.  I wasn’t sure how I would feel.  To be honest, I felt nothing.  Actually, scratch that.  I felt relief.  I was relieved because I had made the decision to start the medication and give up breastfeeding. 

My husband asked me how I was feeling when I went downstairs.  I felt fine.  I felt no different.  Half an hour later the girls were jumping and yelling and being crazy.  Yesterday I would have gotten super frustrated and probably yelled at them to calm down or be quiet.  Today it didn’t bother me.  They’re just kids.  They’re my sweet, funny, active kids.  They’re normal.  I could sense my old self peeking through.  Even my husband commented at the change.  It was great.

Later that morning the girls started fighting and I started yelling.  Except I stopped myself.  I wasn’t out of control.  I wasn’t in a rage.  The red monster didn’t come out.  I yelled and then I stopped.  And then I talked to my children in a calm voice and resolved the situation like I used to.  It was such a relief.

An hour later my two year old went into the bathroom, got a hold of a tube of toothpaste, squirted it all over the wall and counter and then tried to wipe it up with my nice bathroom hand towel which made even more of a mess (obviously!).  I didn’t ball up my fists.  I didn’t clench my teeth.  I didn’t spank her.  I didn’t even yell.  I wiped the toothpaste off the wall and the counter, I brought my two year old out of the bathroom and I closed the door.  Then the girls went back to playing and everything was fine.  I felt normal!  Toothpaste on the wall?  Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.  Really.  Yesterday, though, it would have been the end of the world.

In the afternoon my five year old dumped a half full bottle of fresh, cold drinking water on one of our plants in the front garden.  Yesterday I would have freaked out on her.  I know you’re thinking, “Really?  Over a bottle of water?”  Yes, really.  I was irritable and irrational.  Today I started to say something to her but then I stopped myself.  I told myself it was just a bottle of water.  And then I went inside and poured myself a glass of water.

Who knew such a tiny pill could help so much.  I’m not sure if the medication is even working yet (it’s such a small dose and they say it takes up to two weeks to fully benefit from it).  It could just be “the placebo effect” or the fact that I now know that it’s a hormone/brain chemical imbalance and I’m not just going crazy.  The diagnosis, the pill and talking about it have definitely helped.  Not bad for day one.